They took out the chemo pump over a week ago, yet I still don’t feel myself. It is like I am moving and thinking in slow motion while the rest of the world is normal. I look great to everyone. I guess cancer has been good for my physical appearance, but inside I am a wreck. I’m frustrated all the time when I stutter over the words I want to say and how I want to grab onto things for support when I walk around, and I can’t believe the numbness in my extremities is still there when the A/C is on. Like it is now. Typing is a bitch…
More players at work have learned that I am sick. Jeez, it is still hard to admit that I’m ill. I’m grateful they care. We know there is nothing they can do about it, but it is nice to know that folks love me. Now, this not to say that I expect them to tip me more because of the cancer. I get enough anyway. I’m glad people ask instead of ignoring the proverbial elephant. Like my friend Paul says, just say ‘hello’.
I see my oncologist tomorrow, and I want to discuss taking a short-term disability leave from work. I call in sick so much as it is, so I may as well get paid for it instead of using FMLA. It probably sounds weird to say that I feel guilty; it is like I feel some obligation to my employer, but I’m reminded that I only have one life, so I ought to take care of my health. And I’m only talking through November, or until I start feeling normal from the effects of the chemo on my body. Shit, it IS poison. I’ll likely be back to normal when I start the radiation.
I have a feeling that I’ll have to take more time off for the surgery, but one step at a time.
Rachel is worried about how we can afford this. I don’t know either, but I’m not worried. Plenty of people go through this, and they make it, so I’m sure we can, too. Just in case, if you want to help out, or if you have and want to share it, here is a link to my go fund me.
A HUGE shout-out to my co-workers who collected nearly $500 to help.
Sorry it took so long to write a blog post. I REALLY have been felling shitty. Ask Rachel, I’ve been in bed much of the time sleeping.
I still plan to write about sleep apnea.
Time to rest. I’ll probably write more tomorrow.