© 2019 by Jason Elbinger

  All Rights Reserved


My First Tear

I forgot to write about my first tear.

I hadn't eaten at all. I was supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning, but I slept through it, which upset me because I was looking forward to it. I need to talk to someone about all this and make sure that my meds are okay. Anyhow, I had no appetite really, so I drove to the appointment I wrote about and stopped for a Starbucks coffee on the way.

After the appointment I was famished. I drove over to Burger King to have one their Impossible Whoppers, which I like, along with an order of onion rings; and all of the stuff I learned at the surgeon was in my head, and I'm thinking and worrying and being depressed and feeling lonely; when I felt a teardrop ease its way out of the corner of my eye and leave a wet trail while it slid down next to my nose.

I'm having a hard time feeling emotions about all of this. Up to now I've really felt numb, but now I'm starting to feel depressed and have no energy and just want to lay in bed, which is what I did for hours today.

It is so stressful! Not to mention Rachel needing to have insurance of her own and finding out that to put her on my plan at work will cost $350 a paycheck! That's over $700 a month! To get a plan on the marketplace will be around $450, but they have a $6000 deductible. Who can afford insurance? If medical bills don't bankrupt me, the cost of insurance will.

I feel so angry!

How am I going to tell my parents? I have to tell them. Kevin and Eden know, and Eden said they will get on the phone with me to tell my parents. It will devastate them. My dad always worries about me, and he is so happy I'm with Rachel (me too!), and I'm afraid the news will ruin any joy he feels, not to mention his frail health having just finished a stint in a rehab facility. My mom has her own issues with pain, and it will make her sad, too. They have always tried to protect me from bad news my whole life, and I refuse to do that to them even though I really want to.

I don't know why I feel embarrassed, either. I guess I am feeling emotions. Shame seems to be a big one. Why? That I didn't go to the doctor at the first sign of blood? That I didn't get cancer insurance? That I feel I've wasted my life and talents? That I feel like a nobody?

I am super grateful I'm in recovery. I have so many tools at my disposal to help me overcome this without resorting to using drugs to make myself feel better, because I know they won't. They never did, and they won't now. I have a great support system. I have meetings to go to where I can share and talk about my feelings with people I trust.

I dreaded being the cancer survivor, but now that is all I want. I dread getting on GoFundMe and begging for money. I hope I don't have to do that. So much stress. I just want to be happy. I just want to catch a break. I just want serenity.

I hate the way my head feels numb. It's like I'm in a daze; like I have tunnel-vision and everything is blurry on the periphery.